'Oncocidal' Eccolalia Has Returned
A few notes from the last two weeks, a little update on my health and the joy of eccolalia
Why a support network is essential
When my friend told me, “I’m concerned about his behaviour” my heart clapped in my chest thunderously. I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to hold onto the perception of MysteryMan™ that I had built. Her truth took vinegar to my mirror and I could not unsee how she saw him. Further delusion was taken off the menu and replaced with a sharper, more honest meal to digest. How easily I ate up his words without chewing on their substance. Without friends like her I would run the risk of getting sucked back into unhealthy behaviour patterns with him.
Relationship Anarchy
When I perceive relationships like a lego build it gives me options previously unavailable under a hetero-mono-normative relationship system. The smorgasbord turns finality into transition. That is, If I can actually find another relationship anarchist to practice it with. Something seemingly rare in West Wales.
https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/the-relationship-anarchy-smorgasbord
Burn out strikes
I am realising? Discovering? That I have hit burn out, and honestly? I didn’t see it coming this time. It’s these damn legs of mine, gosh I sound like my grandad there, my legs, hips, ankles and feet are in agony. I was sitting here wishing I never have to walk on them again when my little idiot cat made the two buckets just outside my patio door rattle. I leaned forward only to see her looking straight back at me, front leg stretched up and her claw trapped between the handles. I guess I'm using my legs again. I feel utterly exhausted, friends, my brain cells are tired. I have an urge to close up shop, put the shutters down, lock the doors and turn off the services. Let me be still in the darkness for a time, I will return to you once this exo-skeloten has molted.
‘Arthropods’ rigid exoskeletons provide protection and the basic building material for an arsenal of tool-like appendages. But the exoskeleton also has its downside. Since the exoskeleton is hard and its outer layer is non-living, it cannot grow bigger by small increments as the human skeleton does. Instead, arthropods must go through the delicate process of shedding the old exoskeleton and expanding to a larger size before the new exoskeleton hardens. This process is known as molting.’ https://evolution.berkeley.edu/the-arthropod-story/an-evolutionary-constraint-small-size/molting-and-the-exoskeleton-a-double-edged-sword/ Cannabis
Lower strength weed at bedtime is actually better for me come morning. I need to make a choice - strong weed at bedtime so that I don't lay in bed in a lot of pain until I fall asleep or lower strength weed and an easier time waking up. Perhaps this is not an either or situation though. I am often prone to black and white thinking traps. Maybe I can push myself to bear the weight of the pain as I lay in bed, for periods of time, and then treat myself to a month off. There is a distinction between what I need and what is good for me. I need good quality sleep, to be in bed before midnight, and to wake up by 10am. It is good for my mental wellbeing to be able to climb into bed and fall asleep without laying in agony for an hour first. Something only possible with strong cannabis. Ironically my daytime weed is currently too weak and this burn out has caused me to order some skunky high THC flower to knock this pain out, or me. The complexities of living with chronic pain are endless.
Regrets
I often find myself fantasising about a life do-over whilst holding onto all of my self awareness. Do you? It is a reflective cringe that sets it off. In times of low self worth I feel embarrassed by moments in my past, moments usually involving trauma response behaviours. That’s sad. I hope I find loving-kindness for myself when challenged in the future.
‘Oncocidal’
I have been enjoying some ‘oncocidal’ eccolalia with that word for about two weeks now. Rolling it around in my mouth, the sound and the movement of the tongue that this particular word makes tasting like a favourite chocolate bar, something by DairyMilk, to my utter shame. I don’t recall the origin, I often don’t, I will hear a word or phrase and several days later I will notice that my mouth has been playing with it in quiet moments when I'm focused on an activity, flower pressing and card making for example. When I searched the word online looking for a definition nothing came up but I did find websites about cancer treatment and that is when the penny dropped. I am re-re-re-re×642 listening/reading/watching The Expanse. It’s a special interest of mine, a Sci-fi show, the best sci-fi show ever made actually. I digress, this word is used frequently in one of the books in the 9 book series (yes, nine glorious books to devour on repeat, not even including the novellas) and clearly my ‘oncocidal’ eccolalia mouth party has returned.
So glad you all agree with me.
https://www.goodreads.com/series/56399-the-expanse
https://www.syfy.com/the-expanse
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Expanse_(TV_series)
